Sibling Rivalry

If you pride yourself on avoiding favoritism among your children, you may feel like sibling rivalry is an attack on your parenting skills. However, if you look back on your relationship with your own siblings, you’ll gain a new perspective on this issue. As a child, even minor injustices probably seemed grossly unfair.

Consequences of Sibling Rivalry

Obviously, sibling rivalry places a great deal of stress on you as a parent. The constant fighting and whining of squabbling siblings is enough to drive any parent insane. But, does rivalry have long-term consequences for your children?

In most cases, sibling rivalry tends to diminish with age. As children mature, they start to develop separate interests and identities. They develop empathy, teamwork skills, and the intellectual ability to objectively analyze the sibling relationship. If you speak to your own friends and family, you’ll find that most people who despised their siblings as children now have a much stronger relationship with their brothers and sisters.

However, this doesn’t mean that uncontrolled sibling rivalry is acceptable. If your children are frequently disrespectful, manipulative, and aggressive with each other, they may benefit from meeting with a trained family therapist. Ask your pediatrician for recommendations or use the American Academy of Child and Adolescent Psychiatry website to locate a therapist in your area.

Tips for Parents

As a parent, there are many things you can do to prevent sibling rivalry.

• Contrary to popular belief, children don’t need to be treated equally. You’ll drive yourself crazy trying to buy everyone the same pajamas or serve three equal portions of chocolate ice cream. Strive for an overall sense of fairness, but don’t let your children get in the habit of expecting total equality.
• Celebrate each child’s unique characteristics. If your daughter is artistic and your son is athletic, praise each child for these special qualities. Let your children know that you appreciate them for who they are.
• Avoid comparisons whenever possible. When you praise a child for his/her accomplishments, take care to avoid framing your compliment as a reference to an older or younger sibling. It’s great to praise Amanda for getting an “A” on her spelling test, but you want to avoid any mention of her big brother’s grades at that age.
• Get to know your children on an individual basis. Family activities are important, but every child needs some one-on-one attention from his/her parents. Take your younger child to the park while your spouse plays a board game with your firstborn. Give each child an opportunity to talk to you without sibling interruption.
• Know when to let it go. Don’t intervene when your children are engaged in a minor squabble such as an argument over who can play with a favorite toy. Give them a chance to work out their differences and develop conflict resolution skills. However, you should always step in if one child is obviously attempting to victimize the other. Physical and/or emotional abuse is never acceptable.